Been awhile.. since I bloged!

So, its been quite some time since I been to this site. I have been really busy. 

Today, I am back in school, aiming to get my BA in Vocal Performace and BA in Theater maybe. We will see how much time I can put into going to school. I am 26 and I don't want to be in school till I am 3o. Life is too short to not live it out. 

It is a christian college, and I am thankful for that because it is helping me develop my beliefs. I am excited to be learning again. Especially to be learning my craft. I am hoping to craft it better so I can use it to the best of my ability. 

Chat more later. 

Morning Dead Air ( a song I wrote early this morning)

It's one A.M. and I am up starring at the walls.
With you on my mind wondering where you are? and where you been?
There's no way to know where.

What is it that's got me acting a fool?
How can I let go of the things you do?
Who have I become?
When can I let go?
Where has the trust gone?
Why do I stay up late over you?

It's half past one and I am up pacing the halls.
My mind wont stop wondering who your with and whats her name?
Is she pretty?
There's no way to know who.

What is it that's got me acting a fool?
How can I let go of the things you do?
Who have I become?
When can I let go?
Where has the trust gone?
Why do I stay up late over you?

Its two A.M. and no sign of you I 've just about lost my mind,
I can't think no more, I've just about slammed the door.
Do you care? Do you see what you've done to me?
There's no way you could know.

What is it that's got me acting a fool?
How can I let go of the things you do?
Who have I become?
When can I let go?
Where has the trust gone?
Why do I stay up late over you?

The phone rings it's now three A.M and its you with nothing to say.
Waiting on the line, just waiting.
Not a word, not a sound just DEAD AIR.

Some Poems I wrote for my World Lit. Class.

Leaving

Rushing rivers move,
forcibly, clashing on in one direction.
Striding on man made stone,
glistening like the dark of night.
Wind pushing leaves suddenly out sight,
were once there but now gone.

Painted Peace

As I lie on the grassy hill,
the above peace is painted one blue.
There's a heavy noise that breaks the painted peace,
with the sound of many thunders.

On the Trail

On the rocky trail of the unknown I pace myself.
Leaning on the mountains edge I hold myself.
Moving through trees and falling through holes,
it is deep in the woods that you loose yourself.

A Stream

Staring into a translucent stream I see only me,
not a one behind me or beside me, just me.
But looking away I see mountains, trees, nature earth
and no one knows what I couldn't see.

SPRING IS HERE!!!

Spring is here folks!!! Just wanted to say that I looked out my window this morning and the sun was shining and the air was crisp! Ahhhhhhh spring. I suggest taking a short walk today, riding a bike, rollerblading, anything outdoors.... to enjoy what we are blessed with!

Smile, today is a beautiful day!

okay.. already quit the master cleanse!!!

Okay, first day of the master cleanse... and I already quit. My body couldn't handle not eating.. so there you have it.

Starting a Master Cleanse Diet Tomorrow!

Starting The Master Cleanse Diet tomorrow.. its also known as the lemonade diet. Let's see how far I can actually go. Its suppose to be 8-10 day diet. So, no coffee for me for that period. WOW, watch out I might be an evil woman without food and coffee. For those of you in Northern Cali count yourselves lucky not to be around me. =)

I am determined to get it done. Then once my insides are cleansed... then I will start bringing healthy foods back into my diet.. Lots of raw fruits, veggies, fish and nuts and seeds. Some chicken here and there. Back to absolutely no fast foods, no red meats(NO MORE IN AND OUT).
I don't know how I am going to do with this diet.. I'm a bit scared, I'm going to make myself sick. But we will see where it goes. My friend did it at work and her skin looks healthier and she looks slimmer. Well, wish me luck.. it starts tonight with drinking a laxative tea = (

Today another day...

Today another day, another worry and so forth. I am short on funds yet again. What is wrong with me? Why cant I wisely spend money and balance my check book? I seem to take after the Duran side of my family... or at least my mother. Come to think about it growing up I never had a good example of finances. My mom and dad were not very good at it. Maybe that's why I am so bad at it.. well I can't really blame anyone else but myself. I need to be a big girl and take care of my business regardless of what I "DON'T" know. I guess learn by myself how to budget and spend right. Yeah the pains of trying to grow up and live independently is hard. I'm 25.. i think I should really start taking things more seriously about it. Mom is not always going to be there for me. I need to realize that one day... it will just be myself and my own choices I can depend on.

Today, I realized I over spent... and I should of better prepared in advance for the things I have to take care of financially. I am stuck... because I have to figure it out. I can't call mom.. because she is out of the country and shouldn't be bothered with me right now. I need to take her being out of the country as a learning experience for me and an eye opener that again she will not always be around.
So, I am thinking and plotting about how to fix this!

Aye me!

I watched Bridget Jones Diary for the first time tonight! I have to say that I loved it. I wish I would of watched it a long time ago. I really was really wrapped up in the story.. its a love story... so of course at the end I was a bitter bitter woman. Why can't men be like that in real life?? Mr. Mark Darcy, (played by my favorite Collin Firth) GOD BLESS HIM!!! He is such a gorgeous man. Not to mention always able to sweep the female audiences off their feet with his cunning charisma, his sexy straight face, his seducing deep eyes!!!!!

Every time I watch these romance movies I get all worked up in my fantasies. I use to daydream about my Knight in white and shinning armor. Then the whole never ending love story and happy romance. Showered with words of endearment, adoration, tokens of affection, and the little things. But, I get brought back to reality that men like that ONLY DO exist in the movies! Men like that are not real.. the are made up.. imagined.. fantasied about... In reality though I do deserve some of that!! I am a great girl with a big heart.. I deserve to be given the romance I want. So, why not dream it... why not seek it... why not desire it.... maybe one day I will actually get it.

Until then I will just settle for watching it in movies as I "SIGH" in prolonged hopefullness.

Been a minute!

So, it has been a minute since I have blogged my thoughts, ideas, and life issues. Latest updates about Allie's life....

1. Finally finished my application process for APU. So, now it's a waiting game... I am also trying to apply for grants, scholarships and money!!
2. I am enrolled at a community college to gain my JR. status before I get to APU. I am taking four classes. I am at full time status. I am not too overloaded because I only go to school on Mondays and Wedensdays. Not bad at all!!
3. I have decided just recently I want to write a book. A fantasy novel based on fairies, witches and warlocks. Good and evil forces.. light and dark. I am really excited about this, but have no clue really how to go about doing this.. but I am reading a beginners book on writing novels. =) So, we will see where this goes. I will keep you updated.
4. I offically decided I am not happy with my day job. I work guest services for a day spa. I answer the phones and book appts all day and deal with angry stupid stuck up clients ALL DAY!! I think it's driving me insane and bringing me down by draining the life out of me. I just realized this the other day. I realized that each time I have to come here I get so negative and frustrated because I dont want to be here..... I THINK IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON FROM THIS JOB. So, I am in the process of looking around for who is hiring. I cant take anything less then $12.


Stay tuned for more updates later...

Still....sick!

My weekend has come and gone. I have been sick this whole weekend. Not fun at all. I thought this cold was small and would be easily destroyed. But this bugger is holding on... I'm not able to shake it. It's set up camp and is holding my immune system hostage!!!!!!!!!!

The eve of a new month...

The last night of January and the eve of a new month I am home sick. I have a bit of chest congestion/aching muscles/headache/ sore throat. Not my idea of a fun evening. I was suppose to be a friends birthday party. A bunch of us girls were going to be all dolled up and go out for a friends 27th birthday. But, I had to stay home to care for my cold. Which is the wise choice for me to do because I have a busy week coming up. I cant afford to be sick!
Tonight I am sitting at my computer desk surrounded by lite candles drinking green tea with lemon, sucking on cough drops and breathing in sexy vapor rub. haha (attractive I know.) I am glad I caught this cold in the beginning. It could of got worse especially if I went running around tonight. Good night.. JANUARY

Living in a land of unhealthy make believe..

So, I think that I have realized that I have been living in the land of make believe. I mean maybe as a little girl I watched too many Disney flicks. My whole idea of love and marriage I have realized is so unrealistic. Maybe thats the problem I have had in all my relationships I set a very high fairy tale standard. I think if its not happily ever after all the time its not working. The moment there is no romance or some people might call it the "NEW FOUND LOVE" I freak out and feel like it's not working anymore. I guess it's unfair for the guy because I am putting an expectation on him to fill. I guess I might expect him to be my night and shining armor at all times. Which is not very real or fair.

There are many different forms of love. But why is it the magic disappears??? But I have heard some people say " I love her/him the same as when I first meet her/him?" Can it actually be possible for people to have that same giddiness, that same "MAGIC," after years and years of being together? Or is that just a fairy tale or a blockbuster version of love?

Love is such a touchy subject. It's ever changing and shifting forms. There are so many people out there that take love for granted. They don't realize what kind of love they got.. or even what they are giving. I am so lost with this whole real LOVE issue. What exactly is it anymore??? I try to model and change the way I think about love by reading 1 Corinthians 13. But people don't really follow that definition now a days do they??? I guess no ones perfect. I'm still learning and still growing. Maybe someday I will have a full understanding of LOVE, and maybe my mind will get out of the make believe and into reality.

Well these are just a few of my mid-night rambles...

I wrote this song..

Verse One:
There comes a time, when things get out of hand.
There comes a time, when you feel like letting go.
Walking into a world of your own.
Then suddenly when your alone in the dark..
and you think you can't go on... can't go on

Chorus:
Just lift your face up to the light
He's always there to calm the tides.
Believe he's there and listening
Believe his light shines through.
No matter how dark it seems,
Trust is there most faithfully.

Verse TWO:

There comes a time when fear takes control.
There comes a time when you fall from your path.
Running away blind , ashamed and scared,
with no where to hide.
Knees trembling and darkness gaining.
Dont give up, Dont let go

Chorus:

Just lift your face up to the light.
He's always there to calm the tides.
Believe hes there and listening.
Believe his light shines through.
No matter how dark it seems
Trust he is there most faithfully.

Bridge/Hook:

When that time comes and your in need
Hes always there.
Just lift your head up and reach out!
Cry out to the Lord!
All you gotta do is believe
Trust and Believe
He is your light in the dark.

Repeat Chorus

Heath Ledger passing!!??

So, I heard about Heath Ledger yesterday around 430pm. I was shocked! He was one of the hotties with a great acting ability in my book. The thing that shocks me the most is that he was so very young in the prime of his career. He was just getting kicked started into a flourishing career. The new Batman movie was really gonna kick down Hollywood's walls for him. I am really sad for his family and loved ones he left behind. In times like these its shocking and unbelievable... no one saw this coming with him. My thoughts and prayers are with his soul, his family, and loved ones. I pray that it was not an overdose by suicide... I hope and pray it was an accidental death.

Been on my mind lately...

So for a few days I have been thinking about my dad a lot. For those who may not know my daddy passed away Sept 19, 2005. Its been awhile now and it still feels like yesterday to me. I miss him soooo much. There are times where I will just cry myself to sleep because I miss him so. When I am having a bad day and I feel like the ugliest girl alive hes not there anymore to tell me I am the most beautiful thing God ever created. It pisses me off that he's gone... its not fair.... I really feel he had more to do. I have been thinking about him so much lately. Yesterday I made the mistake of watching a DVD I have of a picture sideshow of him. Yeah.. made me ball my eyes out (didn't make me feel better at all). Its weird because sometimes I still think he's here then I realize when I want to tell him something I get reminded I cant call.... cause he wont answer. I just wish that I would done more with him. But his health wouldn't allow him to be out much.

I do have a lot of great memories though. He's the reason I am such a goofy dork. He's the reason I act like such a big kid. He was a big kid himself at heart. He always enforced never growing up. "Didn't I tell you to stop growing up!! NO MORE BIRTHDAYS!!" He was my Peter Pan. I don't think he knew it but he was. Even though I was growing up whenever I came around daddy he brought the little girl with piggy tails out of me. It never failed. My Peter Pan is my daddy and I will forever be a little girl at heart.

Its so amazing to me to see father/daughter relationships. I see fathers and daughters at the park, the store, the movies etc. It makes me smile, makes me sad and envious all at the same time. But then there are people that have there dad and treat him like poo or don't talk to him or have anything to do with him. Some people don't realize how lucky they are to have their dad around still. If I could just have a few more days or hours even.... I would die for it. It's so selfish of me to want him back but I guess I am daddy's spoiled little girl because I DO WANT HIM BACK ..yesterday, today and tomorrow. But I know with this I will never get my way. Wow I sound like such a downer. I'm sorry. It's just how Ive been feeling and thinking.

I haven't really talked to anyone about my feelings about this at all. My family is not the sharing emotions type. Be strong.. no crying.. get through it type. All boys in my family. Go figure. So I write about it every now and then.

Back in So-Cal.

So, I am back in LA. Ive been back two and a half days now. Been busy... getting my life back in order, figuring things out. Good news is my "Johnny Bloom" should be coming back to me soon in running condition. (For those who don't know "Johnny Bloom" is the name of my 2005 Scion xa). I crashed Johnny over a year ago and haven't been able to fix him. But he will soon be in operating condition. I am very excited about that. Most people have told me just to get a different car, but most people don't understand that my dad got me that car. It means a lot to me because thats something that he wanted to get me. He really never bought me anything big before... the car is the only thing that I HAVE that holds a big memory that we shared. My dad was very excited and proud of getting me that little car. I adored it. I took very good care of it...until I got in my accident anyways. He was proud that I was taking such good care of it. Anyways.. point is I don't want to get rid of Johnny Bloom. I want to keep him around as long as possible.
Besides the car issues...
This coming friday I will be doing more background acting. I will be working on the set of a Jim Carey movie. Should be fun!! I'm excited. The scenes we are filming has something to do with college football. I am going to start trying to do the background acting again. So, we will see where that takes me. I am also going back to school too. So, I will be a busy little bee yet again.

Life in So-Cal is most definitely in the FAST LANE!!!

Ending my visit home soon!

I have been home in Stockton for the past month and my long visit is coming to an end soon. It is time that I head back to Southern Cali for the life in the fast lane. I have enjoyed my time back but realized how much I miss my OWN life and SPACE... if some of you know what I mean.
Christmas and New Years was really great though! I was with the family and all my troubles just seemed to not matter during the holidays. But the New Year is here and there is much for me to do and accomplish. Its about time I start this life and become something!!! Well anyways more thoughts later.. Still getting use to this blog spot life!