Living in a land of unhealthy make believe..

So, I think that I have realized that I have been living in the land of make believe. I mean maybe as a little girl I watched too many Disney flicks. My whole idea of love and marriage I have realized is so unrealistic. Maybe thats the problem I have had in all my relationships I set a very high fairy tale standard. I think if its not happily ever after all the time its not working. The moment there is no romance or some people might call it the "NEW FOUND LOVE" I freak out and feel like it's not working anymore. I guess it's unfair for the guy because I am putting an expectation on him to fill. I guess I might expect him to be my night and shining armor at all times. Which is not very real or fair.

There are many different forms of love. But why is it the magic disappears??? But I have heard some people say " I love her/him the same as when I first meet her/him?" Can it actually be possible for people to have that same giddiness, that same "MAGIC," after years and years of being together? Or is that just a fairy tale or a blockbuster version of love?

Love is such a touchy subject. It's ever changing and shifting forms. There are so many people out there that take love for granted. They don't realize what kind of love they got.. or even what they are giving. I am so lost with this whole real LOVE issue. What exactly is it anymore??? I try to model and change the way I think about love by reading 1 Corinthians 13. But people don't really follow that definition now a days do they??? I guess no ones perfect. I'm still learning and still growing. Maybe someday I will have a full understanding of LOVE, and maybe my mind will get out of the make believe and into reality.

Well these are just a few of my mid-night rambles...

I wrote this song..

Verse One:
There comes a time, when things get out of hand.
There comes a time, when you feel like letting go.
Walking into a world of your own.
Then suddenly when your alone in the dark..
and you think you can't go on... can't go on

Chorus:
Just lift your face up to the light
He's always there to calm the tides.
Believe he's there and listening
Believe his light shines through.
No matter how dark it seems,
Trust is there most faithfully.

Verse TWO:

There comes a time when fear takes control.
There comes a time when you fall from your path.
Running away blind , ashamed and scared,
with no where to hide.
Knees trembling and darkness gaining.
Dont give up, Dont let go

Chorus:

Just lift your face up to the light.
He's always there to calm the tides.
Believe hes there and listening.
Believe his light shines through.
No matter how dark it seems
Trust he is there most faithfully.

Bridge/Hook:

When that time comes and your in need
Hes always there.
Just lift your head up and reach out!
Cry out to the Lord!
All you gotta do is believe
Trust and Believe
He is your light in the dark.

Repeat Chorus

Heath Ledger passing!!??

So, I heard about Heath Ledger yesterday around 430pm. I was shocked! He was one of the hotties with a great acting ability in my book. The thing that shocks me the most is that he was so very young in the prime of his career. He was just getting kicked started into a flourishing career. The new Batman movie was really gonna kick down Hollywood's walls for him. I am really sad for his family and loved ones he left behind. In times like these its shocking and unbelievable... no one saw this coming with him. My thoughts and prayers are with his soul, his family, and loved ones. I pray that it was not an overdose by suicide... I hope and pray it was an accidental death.

Been on my mind lately...

So for a few days I have been thinking about my dad a lot. For those who may not know my daddy passed away Sept 19, 2005. Its been awhile now and it still feels like yesterday to me. I miss him soooo much. There are times where I will just cry myself to sleep because I miss him so. When I am having a bad day and I feel like the ugliest girl alive hes not there anymore to tell me I am the most beautiful thing God ever created. It pisses me off that he's gone... its not fair.... I really feel he had more to do. I have been thinking about him so much lately. Yesterday I made the mistake of watching a DVD I have of a picture sideshow of him. Yeah.. made me ball my eyes out (didn't make me feel better at all). Its weird because sometimes I still think he's here then I realize when I want to tell him something I get reminded I cant call.... cause he wont answer. I just wish that I would done more with him. But his health wouldn't allow him to be out much.

I do have a lot of great memories though. He's the reason I am such a goofy dork. He's the reason I act like such a big kid. He was a big kid himself at heart. He always enforced never growing up. "Didn't I tell you to stop growing up!! NO MORE BIRTHDAYS!!" He was my Peter Pan. I don't think he knew it but he was. Even though I was growing up whenever I came around daddy he brought the little girl with piggy tails out of me. It never failed. My Peter Pan is my daddy and I will forever be a little girl at heart.

Its so amazing to me to see father/daughter relationships. I see fathers and daughters at the park, the store, the movies etc. It makes me smile, makes me sad and envious all at the same time. But then there are people that have there dad and treat him like poo or don't talk to him or have anything to do with him. Some people don't realize how lucky they are to have their dad around still. If I could just have a few more days or hours even.... I would die for it. It's so selfish of me to want him back but I guess I am daddy's spoiled little girl because I DO WANT HIM BACK ..yesterday, today and tomorrow. But I know with this I will never get my way. Wow I sound like such a downer. I'm sorry. It's just how Ive been feeling and thinking.

I haven't really talked to anyone about my feelings about this at all. My family is not the sharing emotions type. Be strong.. no crying.. get through it type. All boys in my family. Go figure. So I write about it every now and then.

Back in So-Cal.

So, I am back in LA. Ive been back two and a half days now. Been busy... getting my life back in order, figuring things out. Good news is my "Johnny Bloom" should be coming back to me soon in running condition. (For those who don't know "Johnny Bloom" is the name of my 2005 Scion xa). I crashed Johnny over a year ago and haven't been able to fix him. But he will soon be in operating condition. I am very excited about that. Most people have told me just to get a different car, but most people don't understand that my dad got me that car. It means a lot to me because thats something that he wanted to get me. He really never bought me anything big before... the car is the only thing that I HAVE that holds a big memory that we shared. My dad was very excited and proud of getting me that little car. I adored it. I took very good care of it...until I got in my accident anyways. He was proud that I was taking such good care of it. Anyways.. point is I don't want to get rid of Johnny Bloom. I want to keep him around as long as possible.
Besides the car issues...
This coming friday I will be doing more background acting. I will be working on the set of a Jim Carey movie. Should be fun!! I'm excited. The scenes we are filming has something to do with college football. I am going to start trying to do the background acting again. So, we will see where that takes me. I am also going back to school too. So, I will be a busy little bee yet again.

Life in So-Cal is most definitely in the FAST LANE!!!

Ending my visit home soon!

I have been home in Stockton for the past month and my long visit is coming to an end soon. It is time that I head back to Southern Cali for the life in the fast lane. I have enjoyed my time back but realized how much I miss my OWN life and SPACE... if some of you know what I mean.
Christmas and New Years was really great though! I was with the family and all my troubles just seemed to not matter during the holidays. But the New Year is here and there is much for me to do and accomplish. Its about time I start this life and become something!!! Well anyways more thoughts later.. Still getting use to this blog spot life!